I wrote this post on Wednesday and haven't had the heart or guts to post it until today.
This morning, I got to work and made my instant oatmeal. It was sort of weird today, because instead of the single serve cups I normally have, I had to make it myself, measuring out the oatmeal and water, and heating it up for as long as it took to take the crunch out. 45 seconds.. 20 seconds.. 20 more seconds.. Shit, it's overflowing. I turned off the microwave, started cleaning my mess, and thought to myself, "Now this is something.."
This has probably been a long time coming, and I think I was in denial that it would ever happen. It crossed my mind, but I never imagined it would come down to this. Sure, there's always the other option, just to take things as they come. But sometimes, by thinking we are leaving things up to fate, we are missing the opportunity that fate has already given us. It's normally staring right at us looking us in the face. And many times, we completely miss it. We miss the opportunity to better ourselves, the opportunity to do something new, or finish something we had already started. My friends, I have found myself at this point in my career. Just a year into dispatching, I'm at a fork in the road. And what do you do if you come to a fork in the road? Well, you pick it up and take it home of course! Joking.. For me, it's been a whole lot of thinking, a lot of restless nights trying to decide what it is I'm really going to do.
Last night was especially strange. I tossed and turned, waking up almost every hour. I'd look at the clock, try and get comfortable, fall asleep, over and over.. I remember dreaming something quite strange, but I can't fully recall what it was. All I know is that there was a gentleman, Justin, who had something to do with a suicide, either his own or that of someone else. Whoever Justin is, I hope he finds his peace.
This post has been sort of like today was, up until about an hour ago; Long, awkward, beating around the bush. Today, I had to resign from my position as a dispatcher at the Sheriff's Office. My last day will be Thursday, September 5th. I know many of you may be looking at your computer screens, some with mouths agape, others just confused about what happened. I want to cry, but I'll go into some details and save whatever manhood I have left.
Back when I started on August 3rd, 2012, I had anticipated being on the night for, well, ever. I took some online classes, maintained them, and was enjoying life. Second semester of school came around, and I ran into an issue: I needed to take a science class, with a lab. The solution was scheduling the earliest science class I could get, 9am, driving there after work, then coming home to sleep. Sometimes, I'd get lucky and catch 8 hours of sleep. Other times, not so much. However, it worked out pretty well! That is, until March came around. In March, we ended up losing 2 people, back to back. This meant I had to be bumped up to the day shift, pronto. This sort of ruined my original plan of sticking it out through the end of the semester, and I ended up flunking my science class.
Enter Financial Aid. For anybody who has attended college before, you may know that Financial Aid is not the easiest department to deal with. I got a letter that basically told me if I had another bad semester, they were going to take away my free money for school. Really?! I decided I was going to attempt a full semester's course load online. Enter Life. Work was busy, I had run into some medical problems, and school seemed to get put on the back burner. The semester ended dismally, I didn't pass any of the classes I was in. Was it my commitment to the coursework? Maybe my time availability? Probably a mixture of both, along with other things. Nonetheless, I was sinking fast.
I received a notification that I was placed on Financial Aid Suspension this past week, and it stated that unless they saw improvement after I had paid for classes out of my own pocket, I was not able to get any sort of Financial Aid. Talk about the light at the end of the tunnel being blown out. However, there was still one glimmer of hope: the Appeal Process. To this point, I've submitted all my paperwork for the appeal process and am waiting to see what the committee decides after their meeting tomorrow morning. I'm hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst, which would be having to spend my last paycheck on a tuition payment. We'll see..
During these last two weeks at the sheriff's office and during the back to school transition, I'd appreciate lots of prayers and support. It wasn't an easy decision to make, and I'd be lying if I said I was happy to quit my job. But for now, it just isn't in the stars. Do I hope I can come back someday to the profession? Absolutely. In fact, I'm going to be working back at Campus Police, dispatching and being the campus operator. It's not near as exciting as working at a PSAP dispatching EMS, Fire, Police and Deputies, but it's something to keep me in the field.
Over these next few weeks, I'm going to try and post much more often. I want to talk about how I'm feeling, what's going on with the college stuff, and all that jazz. It's going to be an interesting two weeks, that's for sure. Nonetheless, I'm not going anywhere, just changing scenes for a bit. Thanks to everybody so far who has encouraged me to do what's best for me. In the end, one should not hate a man for wanting to better himself. That's what I'm trying to do, and I appreciate the support.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Anniversary
Today, I woke up at 6:00am, got dressed, got my things together, and drove to work. I walked into the comm center, took my pass down report, logged in to CAD, took my seat, and smiled. Today, August 3rd, 2013, I have officially been on the job for 1 full year. It got here so quick, and I couldn't be more excited! Unless these allergies disappeared then it'd be a real party...
It's exciting!! Never did I think I would end up where I have, but I find myself growing more and more appreciative of the opportunity to do what I've always wanted to do; I'm in a position where I can make a difference in my community, helping friends, neighbors, and complete strangers. This position is one where, few, if any, get to see from the outside. But I've managed to make the best of it. I've managed to learn a lot, make a lot of mistakes, and learn a lot of lessons the hard way. I've learned about deductive reasoning, filtering through the bullshit, and keeping my emotions out of making important decisions. This job has taught me more in one year than college did in three years. It's taught me skills that can all be taught in separate fields, but are rarely found altogether. I've learned to handle situations few are ever in. If there was one word I could use to describe this, it'd be AWESOME.
Are there things I still need to learn? Of course, there's always something new to learn. No two situations are ever the same, nor do they ever have the same outcome. Sure, there are the common, sometimes BS, calls we receive. A lost dog, car lockout, even the occasional MVA in the grocery store parking lot. Most of these calls seem pretty routine. Take info, send a unit, wait for them to clear, it's a simple process, really. Yet, I've learned that there are also difficult moments in this job. Moments where, I wish I wasn't on this end of the headset. I don't know how many times I asked myself, "Why did I have to take this call? I don't get it." It's difficult to understand sometimes, but that's just how it goes.
I will say, I'm quite glad I'm not on the other day shift, as that seems to be the shit-hits-the-fan-hardest shift. However, I'm also a strong believer in fate and divine intervention. I do believe that I get calls that should only happen on my shift. Like the woman from church who was my grandmother's best friend in high school. She heard my voice and immediately recognized it, calling me by my first name, and telling me what she needed. A few weeks later, I ran into her, and she told me something I will never forget: "I'm glad you were the one working, because when I heard your voice, it helped me calm down and I knew that everything was going to be alright." Never could I have asked for better validation than that; I believe that for now, I am in the right place.
I've had a lot of "Oh shit," moments as well. Moments where I have to wonder if there's anything else that could go wrong. I can tell you about things I love in this job, and I can probably tell you about even more things I hate about this job. I won't, because we'd be here all day. But there is definitely a fine line between "THIS IS AWESOME!!" and "I hate my life..." For instance, you get a wanted person. Hooray!! Then, the wanted person decides they are going to do the smartest thing ever and try to outrun the cops. NOT HOORAY. Your 10-99 has just turned into a 10-33, 10-80 on the countywide repeater system. And suddenly, you find yourself at the front line of the battlefield, with every bit of information all the other officers need. Can you say echo transmissions?!
All in all though, it's been a great ride this first year in emergency communications. Do I have doubts that I can do this much longer, even for the rest of my career? Of course. At some point or another, every dispatcher feels like they don't belong, like they are making a mistake, like it's only a matter of time before somebody dies on their watch. Yet, sticking it out is what separates the those who can and those who cannot. Those who cannot will take their fears and run with them. Those who can will know that anything can happen, and are 100% willing to take on that challenge. That's the kind of dispatcher I want to be. The kind that is ready for anything and everything you may encounter, no matter what. Am I there yet? No. Will I be someday? Probably not. But fret not, this doesn't mean I don't know what I'm doing, it only means that I will never become so complacent that I decide I know everything about my job. Few people, if any, really know everything about their job..
On a closing note, I want to say to all of you, thank you. Thanks for being dispatchers, thanks for doing what you do, and thanks for putting up with all my shenanigans (is that a colloquialism?). To all dispatchers, I'm proud to be amongst a group of the best first responders a nation could ask for. Dispatch on, brothers and sisters!!!
It's exciting!! Never did I think I would end up where I have, but I find myself growing more and more appreciative of the opportunity to do what I've always wanted to do; I'm in a position where I can make a difference in my community, helping friends, neighbors, and complete strangers. This position is one where, few, if any, get to see from the outside. But I've managed to make the best of it. I've managed to learn a lot, make a lot of mistakes, and learn a lot of lessons the hard way. I've learned about deductive reasoning, filtering through the bullshit, and keeping my emotions out of making important decisions. This job has taught me more in one year than college did in three years. It's taught me skills that can all be taught in separate fields, but are rarely found altogether. I've learned to handle situations few are ever in. If there was one word I could use to describe this, it'd be AWESOME.
Are there things I still need to learn? Of course, there's always something new to learn. No two situations are ever the same, nor do they ever have the same outcome. Sure, there are the common, sometimes BS, calls we receive. A lost dog, car lockout, even the occasional MVA in the grocery store parking lot. Most of these calls seem pretty routine. Take info, send a unit, wait for them to clear, it's a simple process, really. Yet, I've learned that there are also difficult moments in this job. Moments where, I wish I wasn't on this end of the headset. I don't know how many times I asked myself, "Why did I have to take this call? I don't get it." It's difficult to understand sometimes, but that's just how it goes.
I will say, I'm quite glad I'm not on the other day shift, as that seems to be the shit-hits-the-fan-hardest shift. However, I'm also a strong believer in fate and divine intervention. I do believe that I get calls that should only happen on my shift. Like the woman from church who was my grandmother's best friend in high school. She heard my voice and immediately recognized it, calling me by my first name, and telling me what she needed. A few weeks later, I ran into her, and she told me something I will never forget: "I'm glad you were the one working, because when I heard your voice, it helped me calm down and I knew that everything was going to be alright." Never could I have asked for better validation than that; I believe that for now, I am in the right place.
I've had a lot of "Oh shit," moments as well. Moments where I have to wonder if there's anything else that could go wrong. I can tell you about things I love in this job, and I can probably tell you about even more things I hate about this job. I won't, because we'd be here all day. But there is definitely a fine line between "THIS IS AWESOME!!" and "I hate my life..." For instance, you get a wanted person. Hooray!! Then, the wanted person decides they are going to do the smartest thing ever and try to outrun the cops. NOT HOORAY. Your 10-99 has just turned into a 10-33, 10-80 on the countywide repeater system. And suddenly, you find yourself at the front line of the battlefield, with every bit of information all the other officers need. Can you say echo transmissions?!
All in all though, it's been a great ride this first year in emergency communications. Do I have doubts that I can do this much longer, even for the rest of my career? Of course. At some point or another, every dispatcher feels like they don't belong, like they are making a mistake, like it's only a matter of time before somebody dies on their watch. Yet, sticking it out is what separates the those who can and those who cannot. Those who cannot will take their fears and run with them. Those who can will know that anything can happen, and are 100% willing to take on that challenge. That's the kind of dispatcher I want to be. The kind that is ready for anything and everything you may encounter, no matter what. Am I there yet? No. Will I be someday? Probably not. But fret not, this doesn't mean I don't know what I'm doing, it only means that I will never become so complacent that I decide I know everything about my job. Few people, if any, really know everything about their job..
On a closing note, I want to say to all of you, thank you. Thanks for being dispatchers, thanks for doing what you do, and thanks for putting up with all my shenanigans (is that a colloquialism?). To all dispatchers, I'm proud to be amongst a group of the best first responders a nation could ask for. Dispatch on, brothers and sisters!!!
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